The RCMP needs an editor

Dear RCMP,

Don't take this the wrong way, but you need a make-over of the extreme variety. I know, I know, you have better things to do, but your workload will be lessened over the longterm the more the public believes in you.

Personally, I don't believe in anyone who doesn't proofread.

Exhibit A:

What you should do before, during and after
a robbery.

Where does one go for "robbery training?" Will it make me a better
robber or a smarter robber? And can I write it off on my taxes?

I'm kinda embarrassed for you right now. You should probably stop actively distributing these pamphlets, and by probably, I mean I will mock you if you don't.

Thank you for listening. Now go back to work.
- Me

I try so hard

These are the shoes I planned to wear with my red dress on Day One of the festival:


Note the bows.

 These are the shoes I planned to wear with my white dress on Day Two:

Note the polka dots.

These are the shoes I actually wore both days:

Note the mud.

Sigh.

legitimate conversation with my sister

Sister (via text): Can sheep swim?

Me: I don't know. Throw one in and find out.

Sister: I thought you were smart. What about mountain goats? Badgers?

Me: ...

The funny thing is that I know for sure that minks can swim. And that armadillos got leprosy from humans and that polar bear mamas will fast for over eight months (that's one way to get rid of the baby weight).

Hey! Apparently, sheep can swim!

Five by Five

1) I got called "Ms. Canada" and felt important. This is now my stagename. Take note.

2) My friends are dorks. Three of us got lightning bolts painted onto our foreheads. However, we realized after that we're dumb dorks because we got them on the wrong side. And in blue.

3) There's something appealing about stomping in mud, sinking into it, hearing it squish and spit, while wearing a white frilly dress. I felt like Alice in Wonderland.

4) Chapters was playing their Spice Girls playlist (awesome!) and my friends are I broke into the dance number of 'Stop Right Now' as soon as the chorus hit. We remembered all the moves. People looked at us funny. I can only assume they were insanely jealous.

5) I read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series by Stieg Larsson and have come to the conclusion that that guy was messed. Also, I could never live in Sweden because too many names start with the letter 'B'.

First time my best friend of 9 years saw me cry was when Snape found Lily's body.

Did anyone else see the last Harry Potter poster, read it as "itallends," wonder why they misspelled "italians" and then quirk your head and make a funny face 'cause you thought the Italians were from Twilight?

No? Just me then?

Five Things That Made Me Go (^_~)

1) I successfully put on mascara in a moving vehicle the other day. That's Step One to becoming Superwoman.

2) I had a work meeting in the Executive Boardroom of City Hall. It was all very formal and official and everyone was addressed as Mister, Miz or Counsellor and no one used words like "like" or "whatevz" the whole time. I sat in the corner and munched on miniature cucumber sandwiches and hoped no one noticed my flipflops.

3) At Shoppers, I bought tampons and a KitKat bar. It felt ludicrously stereotypical so I added a pack of gum. Is that more stereotypical or less?

4) I stalled my Mom's car in the middle of a roundabout. I'd noticed the yellow light in the dashboard but hadn't worried because it looked like the State of Texas. Apparently, I do not know what either the state of Texas or the engine looks like. After it stalled, we got home quick and I found out that even though I didn't really think it was my fault, everyone else did. It totally wasn't though. So there.

It kinda looks more like a submarine now. Possibly a videocamera.

5) Today, my boss plonked a role of florescent yellow tape on my desk, told me to "guard it" and walked away like everything was totally normal. I do not understand but it's shiny.

this is why you should go to school, kids

My new goal is to take a camera absolutely everywhere so that I never miss an opportunity to digitally mock people. Um, I mean to remember those special moments.

Like this one, at Walmart:

Maybe it's really for lads.

PS: Can I just say how awkward it is to take pictures in/near a bathroom? People kept looking at me.

(we're gonna pretend I'm not a day late posting this, 'kay?)



My cat's Canadian. And drinks Starbucks.



rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb

I made Strawberry Rhubarb pie today because I was woozy on blood loss and it seemed like the right thing to do.

We have two patches of rhubarb in our garden, one of which is around the side of the house. Right in the centre was an extra long red stalk jutting out just above the rest, with a huge leaf the size of a pizza hanging off it. I grasped the stalk and pulled.

Nothing. I glanced around to make sure no one could see me and yanked as hard as I could.

Nothing. It felt like I was pulling on Excalibur.

I planted my feet firmly on the cement sidewalk, gripped both hands around the stalk, threw all my weight behind it and--

Fell. On my ass. Without the stalk.

I scrambled up, brushed off the dirt, and glared at the stupid red vegetable. Fruit. Fuck.

And that's how I got beaten up by rhubarb.

I win because I cut it.

 

And two mango juice boxes. UPDATED!

I donated blood today and as soon as my iron level was approved, I immediately sent a text saying "Iron score!!" to which one person responded and the rest just deleted me from their contacts list.

I was super pumped (ha!) until they stuck the needle in a bad vein and no blood came out. A second nurse was called over. They wiggled the needle a bit and blood sluggishly pushed through the clear tube.

"Are you feeling alright?" the nurse asked, untaping and retaping the tube to my foreman for the third time.

I mumbled something positive. I was watching Ellen. It was the episode with Audrina Patridge and Tony from when they were on Dancing With the Stars and I had to squint to read the captions.

The nurse gave up on the tape and held the needle in place the entire time, while the first nurse peered over her shoulder and tried to look reassuring. I watched Tony get in a dunk tank.

When I was done--and Tony was soaking--they wrapped a blue gauze/bandage/thing around my elbow which annoyed me because I totally wanted the pink one. Pfft. At the snacks table, one of the volunteers was a high school student who turned pale the moment he saw my bandaged arm, which is a neat trick considering he's brown. "What did it feel like?"

"Huh?"

"Did it hurt?"

I frowned. The other--more experienced--volunteer jumped in. Apparently do needles make you squeamish? is not a question on their application form. We tried assuring him that it hardly hurts and isn't that big of a deal, but he remained unconvinced and kept glancing uncertainly towards the nurses area.

"The worst case scenario is that you pass out, and that when you wake up, they give you cookies." I waved a crinkling packet of Oreos around. "Worst case scenario is cookies."

UPDATE: Big ass bruise. I look like I got punched in the elbow.

Two years ago today...

This blog is now a toddler.

Things I Never Ever Do Because I Am a PROFESSIONAL

1- lock my office keys in the office
2- jiggle the doorknob
3- frantically search the building in hopes that my keys have been teleported into a different room
4- get a headache from mentally trying to teleport my keys
5- jiggle the doorknob
6- find a telephone in the kitchen and whoop with joy!
7- realize that the telephone can't unlock the office either
8- jiggle the doorknob
9- realize that the phone number for the only other person with a key is locked in the office
10- kick off my stilettos, slump to the floor and wail at my failed teleportation attempts
11- jiggle the doorknob
12- hail the Caller ID list saved in the telephone!
13- explain to my co-worker that I'd just wanted a doorstop so I'd taken the one from the office to hold open the upstairs door and hadn't thought twice when the office door had clicked shut behind me
14- jiggle the doorknob
15- profusely thank my co-worker for coming in on her day off to unlock the office door
16- write a list of things I did not do this morning because I am a professional