Thursday, July 28, 2011

The RCMP needs an editor

Dear RCMP,

Don't take this the wrong way, but you need a make-over of the extreme variety. I know, I know, you have better things to do, but your workload will be lessened over the longterm the more the public believes in you.

Personally, I don't believe in anyone who doesn't proofread.

Exhibit A:

What you should do before, during and after
a robbery.

Where does one go for "robbery training?" Will it make me a better
robber or a smarter robber? And can I write it off on my taxes?

I'm kinda embarrassed for you right now. You should probably stop actively distributing these pamphlets, and by probably, I mean I will mock you if you don't.

Thank you for listening. Now go back to work.
- Me

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I try so hard

These are the shoes I planned to wear with my red dress on Day One of the festival:

Note the bows.
 These are the shoes I planned to wear with my white dress on Day Two:

Note the polka dots.
These are the shoes I actually wore both days:

Note the mud.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

legitimate conversation with my sister

Sister (via text): Can sheep swim?

Me: I don't know. Throw one in and find out.

Sister: I thought you were smart. What about mountain goats? Badgers?

Me: ...

The funny thing is that I know for sure that minks can swim. And that armadillos got leprosy from humans and that polar bear mamas will fast for over eight months (that's one way to get rid of the baby weight).

Hey! Apparently, sheep can swim!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Five by Five

1) I got called "Ms. Canada" and felt important. This is now my stagename. Take note.

2) My friends are dorks. Three of us got lightning bolts painted onto our foreheads. However, we realized after that we're dumb dorks because we got them on the wrong side. And in blue.

3) There's something appealing about stomping in mud, sinking into it, hearing it squish and spit, while wearing a white frilly dress. I felt like Alice in Wonderland.

4) Chapters was playing their Spice Girls playlist (awesome!) and my friends are I broke into the dance number of 'Stop Right Now' as soon as the chorus hit. We remembered all the moves. People looked at us funny. I can only assume they were insanely jealous.

5) I read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series by Stieg Larsson and have come to the conclusion that that guy was messed. Also, I could never live in Sweden because too many names start with the letter 'B'.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

First time my best friend of 9 years saw me cry was when Snape found Lily's body.

Did anyone else see the last Harry Potter poster, read it as "itallends," wonder why they misspelled "italians" and then quirk your head and make a funny face 'cause you thought the Italians were from Twilight?

No? Just me then?

Friday, July 8, 2011

Five Things That Made Me Go (^_~)

1) I successfully put on mascara in a moving vehicle the other day. That's Step One to becoming Superwoman.

2) I had a work meeting in the Executive Boardroom of City Hall. It was all very formal and official and everyone was addressed as Mister, Miz or Counsellor and no one used words like "like" or "whatevz" the whole time. I sat in the corner and munched on miniature cucumber sandwiches and hoped no one noticed my flipflops.

3) At Shoppers, I bought tampons and a KitKat bar. It felt ludicrously stereotypical so I added a pack of gum. Is that more stereotypical or less?

4) I stalled my Mom's car in the middle of a roundabout. I'd noticed the yellow light in the dashboard but hadn't worried because it looked like the State of Texas. Apparently, I do not know what either the state of Texas or the engine looks like. After it stalled, we got home quick and I found out that even though I didn't really think it was my fault, everyone else did. It totally wasn't though. So there.

It kinda looks more like a submarine now. Possibly a videocamera.

5) Today, my boss plonked a role of florescent yellow tape on my desk, told me to "guard it" and walked away like everything was totally normal. I do not understand but it's shiny.

Monday, July 4, 2011

this is why you should go to school, kids

My new goal is to take a camera absolutely everywhere so that I never miss an opportunity to digitally mock people. Um, I mean to remember those special moments.

Like this one, at Walmart:

Maybe it's really for lads.

PS: Can I just say how awkward it is to take pictures in/near a bathroom? People kept looking at me.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

(we're gonna pretend I'm not a day late posting this, 'kay?)

My cat's Canadian. And drinks Starbucks.