Thursday, June 30, 2011

rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb

I made Strawberry Rhubarb pie today because I was woozy on blood loss and it seemed like the right thing to do.

We have two patches of rhubarb in our garden, one of which is around the side of the house. Right in the centre was an extra long red stalk jutting out just above the rest, with a huge leaf the size of a pizza hanging off it. I grasped the stalk and pulled.

Nothing. I glanced around to make sure no one could see me and yanked as hard as I could.

Nothing. It felt like I was pulling on Excalibur.

I planted my feet firmly on the cement sidewalk, gripped both hands around the stalk, threw all my weight behind it and--

Fell. On my ass. Without the stalk.

I scrambled up, brushed off the dirt, and glared at the stupid red vegetable. Fruit. Fuck.

And that's how I got beaten up by rhubarb.

I win because I cut it.

And two mango juice boxes. UPDATED!

I donated blood today and as soon as my iron level was approved, I immediately sent a text saying "Iron score!!" to which one person responded and the rest just deleted me from their contacts list.

I was super pumped (ha!) until they stuck the needle in a bad vein and no blood came out. A second nurse was called over. They wiggled the needle a bit and blood sluggishly pushed through the clear tube.

"Are you feeling alright?" the nurse asked, untaping and retaping the tube to my foreman for the third time.

I mumbled something positive. I was watching Ellen. It was the episode with Audrina Patridge and Tony from when they were on Dancing With the Stars and I had to squint to read the captions.

The nurse gave up on the tape and held the needle in place the entire time, while the first nurse peered over her shoulder and tried to look reassuring. I watched Tony get in a dunk tank.

When I was done--and Tony was soaking--they wrapped a blue gauze/bandage/thing around my elbow which annoyed me because I totally wanted the pink one. Pfft. At the snacks table, one of the volunteers was a high school student who turned pale the moment he saw my bandaged arm, which is a neat trick considering he's brown. "What did it feel like?"


"Did it hurt?"

I frowned. The other--more experienced--volunteer jumped in. Apparently do needles make you squeamish? is not a question on their application form. We tried assuring him that it hardly hurts and isn't that big of a deal, but he remained unconvinced and kept glancing uncertainly towards the nurses area.

"The worst case scenario is that you pass out, and that when you wake up, they give you cookies." I waved a crinkling packet of Oreos around. "Worst case scenario is cookies."

UPDATE: Big ass bruise. I look like I got punched in the elbow.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Two years ago today...

This blog is now a toddler.

Things I Never Ever Do Because I Am a PROFESSIONAL

1- lock my office keys in the office
2- jiggle the doorknob
3- frantically search the building in hopes that my keys have been teleported into a different room
4- get a headache from mentally trying to teleport my keys
5- jiggle the doorknob
6- find a telephone in the kitchen and whoop with joy!
7- realize that the telephone can't unlock the office either
8- jiggle the doorknob
9- realize that the phone number for the only other person with a key is locked in the office
10- kick off my stilettos, slump to the floor and wail at my failed teleportation attempts
11- jiggle the doorknob
12- hail the Caller ID list saved in the telephone!
13- explain to my co-worker that I'd just wanted a doorstop so I'd taken the one from the office to hold open the upstairs door and hadn't thought twice when the office door had clicked shut behind me
14- jiggle the doorknob
15- profusely thank my co-worker for coming in on her day off to unlock the office door
16- write a list of things I did not do this morning because I am a professional