This is what I keep telling myself.

Your midterm results is not your personal identity, your midterm results is not your personal identity, your midterm results is... uh... are not your personal identity.

Whoops.

Dear Dentist,

Thank you for trying not to scare me when I was younger. It didn't work 'cause honestly, those tiny magnifying glasses you wear are terrifying, but I appreciate the effort.

That said, I hope I never see you outside of your office.

Never, ever.

I'm sure you're a decent man. But see, you've studied the inside of my mouth. That's...awkward. There is nothing I can wear, no jewelry I can buy, no pithy comment I could make that would ever make running into you at Starbucks less awkward.

You've seen me drooling. Nothing can undo that.

If I do accidentally make eye contact with you one day in the middle of Safeway, please pretend you didn't notice me and continue examining cereal boxes until I successfully scoot away. I apologize in advance.

Really, it's not you. It's me.

The knowledge that I have worn the standard sunglasses your assistant provides--that are only slightly less geeky than 3D movie glasses--with a hunk of green plastic covering my puffy, numb lips is just too much for me to bear. Hell, you've even seen my lopsided attempts to smile before the anesthesia wore off.

I'm cringing right now. It hurts my soul just to admit that that's ever happened.

I hope you understand. See you next cavity, and not a moment sooner.

Sincerely,
Your 11 o'clock

Five by Five

1) I'm getting an EEG. That's the test where they stick wires to your skull and turn you into a zombie. Or monitor brain waves. Something like that.

2) Psyc class would be so much easier if Freud had just gotten laid. Seriously, dude. I have a flashcard that says "anal stage."

3) A massive, purple bruise showed up on my knee and I have no clue how I got it, but the cat looks suspicious.

4) I learnt how to sew. I wish people would understand how crazy momentous this is for me, and stop asking, "wait, you didn't know how to--but how did you...don't you learn that in, like, grade eight?"

5) Did you know the cop shop is only open Mon-Fri, 9-5? The libraries have longer hours than that. And, despite my bookworm status, I'm rarely in desperate need of a library on a Saturday night.

Capital A-pocalypse

Have you ever had floss get stuck around your fingers when you're standing in your fuzzy bathrobe and wondered if there was a zombie apocalypse right now and the only weapon you had was the Glock you keep beside your toothbrush, and you got rushed by your newly undead neighbour, would you die because your trigger finger was trapped in spearmint?

PS: I spellchecked "apocalypse" and got "Apocalypse." Nicely played, Spellcheck.

The RCMP needs an editor

Dear RCMP,

Don't take this the wrong way, but you need a make-over of the extreme variety. I know, I know, you have better things to do, but your workload will be lessened over the longterm the more the public believes in you.

Personally, I don't believe in anyone who doesn't proofread.

Exhibit A:

What you should do before, during and after
a robbery.

Where does one go for "robbery training?" Will it make me a better
robber or a smarter robber? And can I write it off on my taxes?

I'm kinda embarrassed for you right now. You should probably stop actively distributing these pamphlets, and by probably, I mean I will mock you if you don't.

Thank you for listening. Now go back to work.
- Me

I try so hard

These are the shoes I planned to wear with my red dress on Day One of the festival:


Note the bows.

 These are the shoes I planned to wear with my white dress on Day Two:

Note the polka dots.

These are the shoes I actually wore both days:

Note the mud.

Sigh.

legitimate conversation with my sister

Sister (via text): Can sheep swim?

Me: I don't know. Throw one in and find out.

Sister: I thought you were smart. What about mountain goats? Badgers?

Me: ...

The funny thing is that I know for sure that minks can swim. And that armadillos got leprosy from humans and that polar bear mamas will fast for over eight months (that's one way to get rid of the baby weight).

Hey! Apparently, sheep can swim!

Five by Five

1) I got called "Ms. Canada" and felt important. This is now my stagename. Take note.

2) My friends are dorks. Three of us got lightning bolts painted onto our foreheads. However, we realized after that we're dumb dorks because we got them on the wrong side. And in blue.

3) There's something appealing about stomping in mud, sinking into it, hearing it squish and spit, while wearing a white frilly dress. I felt like Alice in Wonderland.

4) Chapters was playing their Spice Girls playlist (awesome!) and my friends are I broke into the dance number of 'Stop Right Now' as soon as the chorus hit. We remembered all the moves. People looked at us funny. I can only assume they were insanely jealous.

5) I read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series by Stieg Larsson and have come to the conclusion that that guy was messed. Also, I could never live in Sweden because too many names start with the letter 'B'.

First time my best friend of 9 years saw me cry was when Snape found Lily's body.

Did anyone else see the last Harry Potter poster, read it as "itallends," wonder why they misspelled "italians" and then quirk your head and make a funny face 'cause you thought the Italians were from Twilight?

No? Just me then?

Five Things That Made Me Go (^_~)

1) I successfully put on mascara in a moving vehicle the other day. That's Step One to becoming Superwoman.

2) I had a work meeting in the Executive Boardroom of City Hall. It was all very formal and official and everyone was addressed as Mister, Miz or Counsellor and no one used words like "like" or "whatevz" the whole time. I sat in the corner and munched on miniature cucumber sandwiches and hoped no one noticed my flipflops.

3) At Shoppers, I bought tampons and a KitKat bar. It felt ludicrously stereotypical so I added a pack of gum. Is that more stereotypical or less?

4) I stalled my Mom's car in the middle of a roundabout. I'd noticed the yellow light in the dashboard but hadn't worried because it looked like the State of Texas. Apparently, I do not know what either the state of Texas or the engine looks like. After it stalled, we got home quick and I found out that even though I didn't really think it was my fault, everyone else did. It totally wasn't though. So there.

It kinda looks more like a submarine now. Possibly a videocamera.

5) Today, my boss plonked a role of florescent yellow tape on my desk, told me to "guard it" and walked away like everything was totally normal. I do not understand but it's shiny.

this is why you should go to school, kids

My new goal is to take a camera absolutely everywhere so that I never miss an opportunity to digitally mock people. Um, I mean to remember those special moments.

Like this one, at Walmart:

Maybe it's really for lads.

PS: Can I just say how awkward it is to take pictures in/near a bathroom? People kept looking at me.

(we're gonna pretend I'm not a day late posting this, 'kay?)



My cat's Canadian. And drinks Starbucks.