Summer-style Five by Five

1) For my friend’s bachelorette party, we went to the beach and filmed a Spice Girls music video. There was much attitude, leopard print, and semi-inappropriate dancing in front of strangers and their families.

2) I broke into my own house last week. Least graceful thing I’ve ever done in a skirt.

3) At my friend’s wedding, I caught a third of the bouquet and then dropped that shit because I have no immediate plans for marriage and the other two girls looked like they might eat me.

4) I got sick the day before our biggest summer festival that I co-organize at work. We did an hourly raffle all day, both days, during which I handed out germs and misery in the form of raffle tickets, and ate too many granola bars because they were there and you can’t sneeze if you’re chewing.

By the end of the weekend, I was so out of it that I had to take the entire rest of the week off work to recuperate. I watched two seasons of The Good Wife, painted my nails repeatedly because I could not smell the fumes whatsoever and discovered that the ringing in my ears got worse when I tilted my head to the left.

5) My sister asked me to make a blue, heart-shaped cake for her friend’s birthday, which sounds great, if a little odd, until you see the final product:

Top: Original on Internet; Bottom: Our version - happy birthday!

We’re a classy household over here.

Five by Five

1) I hate it when people post pictures of their new tattoos on Facebook and it takes me a minute to realize that that’s not their arm I’m staring at…

2) On my paper, the prof wrote that it was “beautifully written, and a pleasure to read.” And that it was short and underdeveloped, but hey, beautifully written and a pleasure to read!

3) At the skytrain platform: “So, didja hear about those stabbings on the skytrain?”

No, strange man, I had not. Excuse me as I back away slowly.

4) At my very last exam, I wore a pretty summer dress, anticipating the relief of the end of school. I finished the exam, prof wished me a happy summer, then I skipped out of the classroom only to discover that it was snowing outside. Snowing! SNOWING!

5) Today, I sang Les Mis like a boss. That’s right. Like a boss.

Five by Five

1) I spent an hour this morning moving thousands of dollars worth of paintings into a washroom. Ain't art grand?

2) When my doctor walked in, I automatically asked him how he was and he said, "Better than you because my blood work ain't all over the place." Well, shit.

3) On my way to an audition, I got lost in a forest. Again. How come this keeps happening?

4) Walked into Step class drinking Starbucks. Something's wrong here.

5) I feel bad for making the eye doctor wait while I'm crying, dabbing Kleenex and blinking frantically up at the ceiling. But at the same time—you stuck a needle in my eye. An actual needle. In my actual eye. You can gimme a minute. 

Five-by-Five

1) I fail at yoga. Such fail. I think I need a hip replacement.

2) Smuggled Tim Hortons coffees into a movie theatre--that's how you know you're a grown-up, when you smuggle coffee instead of Jub-Jubs.

3) If only all physical violence involved pirouettes and plies like in West Side Story, the world would be a better place.

4) The next generation isn't going to know Pluto or pennies. Is it even worth having children?

5) If you run choreography underwater, the lifeguards wonder if you're drowning.

Five by Five

1) I saw a guy walking down the street literally stop and smell the roses. Either that or he thought he could snort them. Hard to tell.

2) I am the photocopy machine whisperer. Feel the photocopy machine. Be the photocopy machine.

3) Why does everyone hate on February? It's the month of love, people. Love and reading breaks. Best. Month. Ever.

4) There are three important arts reporters in the city and one of them called me at home. I mumbled "Hello..." then did that frantic oh shit cough and attempted to sound like I wasn't still lounging in bed watching the Family channel and downloading the Twilight movies at one in the afternoon.

5) Roll Up The Rim is back and I'm 0 for 6. Statistically, 1 in 6 is a winner. Statistically, I'm getting my ass kicked by paper cups. Update: 0 for 8 0 for 16!

Five by Five

1) I'm getting an EEG. That's the test where they stick wires to your skull and turn you into a zombie. Or monitor brain waves. Something like that.

2) Psyc class would be so much easier if Freud had just gotten laid. Seriously, dude. I have a flashcard that says "anal stage."

3) A massive, purple bruise showed up on my knee and I have no clue how I got it, but the cat looks suspicious.

4) I learnt how to sew. I wish people would understand how crazy momentous this is for me, and stop asking, "wait, you didn't know how to--but how did you...don't you learn that in, like, grade eight?"

5) Did you know the cop shop is only open Mon-Fri, 9-5? The libraries have longer hours than that. And, despite my bookworm status, I'm rarely in desperate need of a library on a Saturday night.

Five by Five

1) I got called "Ms. Canada" and felt important. This is now my stagename. Take note.

2) My friends are dorks. Three of us got lightning bolts painted onto our foreheads. However, we realized after that we're dumb dorks because we got them on the wrong side. And in blue.

3) There's something appealing about stomping in mud, sinking into it, hearing it squish and spit, while wearing a white frilly dress. I felt like Alice in Wonderland.

4) Chapters was playing their Spice Girls playlist (awesome!) and my friends are I broke into the dance number of 'Stop Right Now' as soon as the chorus hit. We remembered all the moves. People looked at us funny. I can only assume they were insanely jealous.

5) I read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series by Stieg Larsson and have come to the conclusion that that guy was messed. Also, I could never live in Sweden because too many names start with the letter 'B'.

Five Things That Made Me Go (^_~)

1) I successfully put on mascara in a moving vehicle the other day. That's Step One to becoming Superwoman.

2) I had a work meeting in the Executive Boardroom of City Hall. It was all very formal and official and everyone was addressed as Mister, Miz or Counsellor and no one used words like "like" or "whatevz" the whole time. I sat in the corner and munched on miniature cucumber sandwiches and hoped no one noticed my flipflops.

3) At Shoppers, I bought tampons and a KitKat bar. It felt ludicrously stereotypical so I added a pack of gum. Is that more stereotypical or less?

4) I stalled my Mom's car in the middle of a roundabout. I'd noticed the yellow light in the dashboard but hadn't worried because it looked like the State of Texas. Apparently, I do not know what either the state of Texas or the engine looks like. After it stalled, we got home quick and I found out that even though I didn't really think it was my fault, everyone else did. It totally wasn't though. So there.

It kinda looks more like a submarine now. Possibly a videocamera.

5) Today, my boss plonked a role of florescent yellow tape on my desk, told me to "guard it" and walked away like everything was totally normal. I do not understand but it's shiny.